on reviewing old posts
Why am i ashamed of my humor?
posted by Kyle at 11:08 AM
7.20.2005
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general reference detail
8 Comments:
i don't know kyle. why do you read your old posts? maybe there's a connection.
not sure. i can feel it sapping (the confidence) even in the telling of a joke / being clever / bright. i guess i am ashamed of being bright. its safer to be subtle tending to gray. oh well, it wasnt a funny one this time round.
i'll add that it was a 2 minute review - you've never done that? and, in the quick blur, it was to the (not so) funny that my eye landed.
you could say i'm obsessed.
hey little bud. i just wanted to say that (in lieu of this post) I really think it's a great thing-- how candid you are and vulnerable-- about everything on here. especially being ashamed of your own humor-- i really respect that sort of courage-- to admit things that you feel. it's something you don't see very often. and i think it's a valuable trait, no matter how much it may ever unnerve you. so in response to that--
yes, i do read my old work. sometimes. sometimes i can't do it, because it feels to tight around my neck. Sometimes i think about how i've acted in the past and feel really shitty, sometimes i wish i could take back things that i say or have said. Sometimes in the weirdest of moments, i catch myself remembering something horrible about myself. And it's a helpless thing. There's nothing i can do to change it. so, i do my best to write through it or paint through it, and move forward.
i think we change more easily than others think we do.
i think we also change more than others allow us to change. so with that said-- be a mess. be ashamed. be sorry. take back what you want to take back. don't take back what you want to take back. let it all out. be emotional. i mean, we wake up everyday and it's new. allow that newness to happen. i guess that's what i'm saying.
thanks. i'm on to this new secret - that when you are vulnerable, and you express it, rather than bury it ... strangely enough, it becomes a gift. it creates intimacy.
used rightly. used wrongly (wrong situ, wrong people), it gets you into mad trouble.
for all you secret keepers out there. and all you promise keepers too (what the fuck are you thinking? isnt that guy fired/in jail?)
no, but i love christians. when i find them.
dude, love yr humor. don't stress, everybody looks in the mirror and sometimes says, oh shit, it's me again.
I consider myself the most serious person around. I'm like a nail and a hammer - there is no doubt that it's going in that 2 X 4 - that's a given. Certain people look at me and see goofball monkey, and others (especially the chiquitas) see me as Hammer and Nail. Who knows?
Nicole thinks I am a Von Gogh type who can't hold a job and is too fragile for society.
My brother told me I'm incapable of listening when he wants to criticize me, and he doesn't want to help with contacts/job, because he thinks I'll blow it off.
I have no idea why people think the way they do. I hear them all. I can see that I have been the individual they describe at different moments in my life, but the funny thing is I am in constant flux.
Mmmm.
And, even funnier, is that the only person who believes in me is my father.
Ooooo.
It used to be the other way around.
I'll take it whatever way it comes though. And, to have my father's supportis a great gift for me. I love that my parents believe in me after not believing in me for so long.
And is it true? Do people not believe in me? Yeah, I guess so. People make judgments. They know me at a certain time, and experience certain moments with me that shape their perception. I understand that.
I do the same. Of course, I also know people are constantly changing. It's brand new everyday. Each meeting point. That makes life a bit more bearable.
It also provides the opportunity and open doors for multiple possibilities. I don't have to see myself from one perspective. I can be a diamond. I can shoot light everywhere, or I could be a flashlight. Who knows?
I just know I'm not the same person as yesterday. I am done with yesterday. In fact, I am done with that song too. I am more like Today Today.
And I'm not New Age either. And I'm not Hammer, Nail, or Monkey. I'm just human. A crazy human. Like everyone else. Not really different in that reality.
Anyway, I don't read my old posts. I read my old writing when I'm searching for something new, or to get a perspective on who I am at a new moment.
I also read old pieces when I want to re-visit a tone or voice, or sometimes when I don't have anyone to talk to, and need a friend like Burt Kristbaum to save the day.
If i was there i'd give you a pat on the back. You are doing what no one else is doing. Keep it up (or dont. but please do..). Know that it is enjoyed.
You put yrself out there every post.
Mirror Moirror on the wall. etc
I read old posts, but mostly i read old comments and see all those lovely folks who are on the ride too. Love the double cork-screw
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